This is my friend Mareli’s favourite poem.It is by Spike Milligan and the title is “If I could write words”.

If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.

If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
“I love you.”

Last night I dreamt about loneliness, about being left behind and the burning ache of abandonment. I dreamt about people, moving on and away, angry pewter skies and bleach white beaches. I dreamt about hot tears and icy wind on my cheeks. I dreamt about abandoning hope, stumbling past happiness, empty beds and hearts. Today my heart and body aches. There’s a weight on my eyelids threatening to pull me down entirely.

Tonight I did something I hardly ever do, which is to walk on the streets of my city.

It might sound absurd, but hear me out. I live in Johannesburg, a city with almost no public transport and large distances to travel. So I drive my car from my home to work, from work to a mall, from the mall to my girlfriend and from there on home. Sometimes I drive to the gym and go inside to walk or cycle because otherwise I get no exercise. Crazy!

The odd thing is, I love to travel and my favourite part of any trip is walking the streets of a city to get a feel for the people and atmosphere.

In any case, we decided to go to movies after work and since we were both working late, we met at the mall. Afterwards I walked her back to her car, which was in a different parking garage from mine. Instead of going back through the mall to get to my car, I decided to take a shortcut on the street and walk the few blocks outside.

This is the business district, so late at night it’s quite deserted with few cars driving around and all the office blocks lit up and towering above you against the night. It made me realise how cocooned I am in my car. On the street you see the garbage in the gutters and the cracked paving stones, hear the sounds of late night construction and smell the petrol fumes and restaurants. It made me feel like a part of the city, instead of just another passerby. In my car I control my experience with climate control, seat warmers, my choice of music and a take-away latte. But when you walk you just experience, you don’t filter. I like that.

I think my point with this post is that I am unable to see the need in my city if I am removed from it. This carries through to always surrounding myself with people, places and things that don’t threaten the bubble of my perfect world. I want to give up the illusion of control, and this neat little Christian world I created, and step outside into God’s adventure.